she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
