I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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