i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
