PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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