I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between