I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.