I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
