Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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