I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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