Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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