I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
