Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
