dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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