My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
