I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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