I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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