The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
