Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
