It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i will never coherently bang her
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
