just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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