she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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