Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
