NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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