My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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