Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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