Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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