what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Randomize
