then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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