I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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