Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize