first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
