My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
