How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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