fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
