wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
