do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
