he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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