I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
