Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
