Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
