Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
