He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
