For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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