I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
