Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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