Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
