He uses pillows to masturbate.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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