Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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