You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
