my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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