I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
