I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
