So drunk its hurt
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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