man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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