Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
People in love make me want to vomit
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
