did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
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