apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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