My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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