totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize