At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
