First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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