I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
