If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
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He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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