Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
they're like a gay fantastic four
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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