his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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